Handling Parents' Resistance to Help

When your aging parents begin struggling with declining health or cognition, it’s natural to want to step in and provide care and assistance. However, you may encounter resistance or refusal of help even when you believe it's needed for their well-being and safety. As difficult as this is, there are compassionate ways to encourage acceptance.

I’m Penina Tuimaualuga, owner of Pearl’s Placements for Seniors in Sacramento. In my experience, resistance often comes from a place of parents wanting to hold onto independence and control.

Here are some tips for handling this challenge with empathy:

Understand Their Perspective

Consider why your parent may be hesitant to accept assistance. Is it pride, fear of losing independence, concerns about burdening you, or something else? Ask them to share their worries so you better understand their viewpoint. Recognize this is extremely difficult for them. Express your aim to honor their feelings while also keeping them safe.

Start Small

Rather than pushing for a major change like moving facilities right away, suggest smaller ways to add support incrementally. Can they accept a housekeeper’s help once a week? Is it possible to start with just transportation to appointments? Ease into assistance gradually so change isn’t drastic.

Involve Medical Professionals

Ask your parent’s doctor, home health provider, or physical therapist to reinforce it’s time for extra support. Often parents will listen to the guidance of professionals over their own children. Have their medical team emphasize specific concerns and benefits. This adds credibility.

Enlist Other Relatives

See if siblings, close friends, or other influential people in your parent's life can gently reinforce you are all coming from a place of caring and wanting to help maintain their quality of life. Having the message repeated by multiple trusted individuals helps shift mindset.

Remain Patient and Calm

When met with angry rejection of your efforts to help, do your best to stay calm and not react. Explain you only want to make sure your parent is safe and well-cared for. Suggest taking some time for both of you to think it over before discussing it again. Don’t escalate the situation with frustration.

Try Again Later

Rather than continuing to push when you meet stubborn refusal, step away and try approaching the subject again later once emotions have cooled down. Sometimes space gives aging parents a chance to absorb concerns being raised. Reframe the conversation positively.

Find Compromise

Aim for compromise versus ultimatums. Say “Will you allow a home health aide to come for 4 hours on Mondays to help you clean and run errands?” rather than an open-ended “You need help.” Providing specific ways they can retain independence while accepting targeted assistance is often more palatable.

Provide Reassurance

Convey that you aren’t trying to control them or take away their independence entirely. Explain wanting to provide some support to keep them safe so they can maintain the highest quality of life possible, while still being there for each other. Reassure them you’ll honor their wishes as much as possible.

If your parent’s resistance to care is becoming untenable or unsafe, Pearl’s Placements can help. I’m Penina Tuimaualuga, and I assist families with solutions like in-home care, adult day programs, assisted living placement, and guidance on navigating these challenging conversations. You are doing everything out of love. Let me know how I can help.